ELEVEN chapters
In Alcoholics Anonymous, there are 12 steps and 12 traditions but The Big Book has only 11 chapters. We refer to the main text of the Big Book as the first 164 pages but never as the first eleven chapters. Now hold that thought and contemplate this; Bill Wilson did not have children. Is it possible that Our Father has waited till now for us, the second generation of A.A., to come of age for these facts to be contemplated? No one in A.A.’s history to this point has experienced the paramount relationships of parent-child through the lens of sobriety.
Here is the suggestion:• The twelve steps are covered by Chapter Seven on page 103. This is followed by a group of 3 chapters covering outside affairs; 8. To Wives, 9. The Family Afterward, 10. To Employers. • The book is then rounded out with its last chapter; Chapter 11, A Vision For You. The idea is to insert this new chapter titled; “Our Children” as the new Chapter 11 and make “A Vision For You” Chapter 12 as below:
Chapter 1, Bill’s Story Chapter 2, There is a Solution
Chapter 3, More About Alcoholism Chapter 4, We Agnostics Chapter 5, How it Works Chapter 6, Into Action Chapter 7, Working With Others Chapter 8, To Wives Chapter 9, The Family Afterwards Chapter 10, To Employers -----Chapter 11, Our ChildrenChapter 11 12, A Vision For You
tAKE THE POLL AFTER READING THE CHAPTER, SEE BOTTOM OF PAGE.
chapter 11, OUR CHILDREN
As now sober adults we believe that if we keep sobriety as our number one priority and continue to do the next right thing, all else will work itself out. We can leave the results to God. There is much relief in this idea and it is largely true. However, with the greater self-awareness and new found consciousness of our human natures that sobriety brings, we do have a greater responsibility to our children. Across its first hundred or so pages, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous spells out the practice of the twelve steps. Notice that the twelfth step has a chapter unto itself for it is here that we learn to go forth and practice these principles in all our affairs. This is followed by a description of how these principles are to be practiced in three specific affairs; by our spouses, with our families in general and for employers to understand us. This chapter now regards the practice of these principles in a most important affair, that of raising our children. Across the ages, some of the greatest stories ever told are those of ‘father and son.’ In more modern times it has been said that the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. We believe that, beyond maintaining sobriety and carrying the message to alcoholics, there is no greater responsibility for those of us who are parents or guardians than that of raising well our children. The twelfth step directs we carry the message to alcoholics but practice these principles in all our affairs. It has been said throughout this text that the main reason this book was written was so the alcoholic might find God. In turn, it is our responsibility to bring God’s saving grace everywhere we can. Relying on the principle of ‘attraction not promotion,’ we need to stand as examples of the good life to our children and indeed to the world around us, without proselytizing directly. The unconditional love we have found through the practice of our program and its attendant faith in a higher power is what we must pass onto our children –by practicing it with them. We do this in a natural fashion so that our blessing on our children becomes a fabric of who they believe they are, not what we have told them they are. Actions speak louder than words. Just as in business and government where good training results not in a specific thought-driven action but in an intuitive response so it must be when we show our love to our children. A thousand ‘I love yous’ cannot measure up to sitting still and giving our undivided attention to their interests. We agreed in step three that the keystone to our freedom is the concept that ‘He is the father, we are his children’ and then in step six we did strive to grow in the image and likeness of our own Creator. Now we must do as the father does and give our thoughts and attention to our children to help them believe that they are precious to us and thus avoid perpetuating the; “warped lives of blameless children.” In the chapter to the family we said that each which has been relieved owes something to those who have not. Similarly the parent who has recovered owes something to the child that has not yet matured –no matter their age. We know that it is the central fact of our lives that our Creator is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. And it is our experience today that regular attendance at meetings is of utmost importance in the maintenance of our sobriety and our ability to carry the message to alcoholics. But also in the chapter to the family we recognize that, although in the very beginning family demands must yield to the process of getting sober, this activity should be balanced. What good is it if we talk of patience, tolerance and love and yet can’t wait to extricate ourselves from an emotionally demanding situation at home using the need to attend a meeting as the reason. That is using A.A. to hide. In order to ‘walk the walk’ we look up on the wall as we leave each meeting and read the most important sign thereon; the exit sign. We carry the message into a meeting but practice the principles when we walk out the door. In Steps Six and Seven we saw that the measure of our character defects was the level of our desire to fulfill our self seeking will over that of God’s will. Through the practice of these steps we found that the difficulty in letting go of our selves and our desires was overcome by a humble reliance on God. Our experience now tells us that the more we rely on God’s love, the less we demand from the world around us. Truly, our need to be loved and accepted in this life could never be filled by any human power; only God can relieve our alcoholism. As newcomers we weren’t given a flashlight, directions on what God might look like and a pat on the back and told ‘good luck, just keep coming and you’ll find him.’ No, we stood face to face with each other and told of our experiences. This is how we found God –through each other. We don’t expect a bush to burst into flames and start talking to us. Many of us have returned to the religion of our upbringing and have found some spirituality and fellowship there. But nothing speaks so directly to the alcoholic as another drunk telling of how, on the verge of losing their temper, they turned to the A.A. principles in their mind for a brief moment and didn’t act badly. Now, that we understood. That changed our lives. And that is God talking to us through one another. Through the practice of the principles of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and through the fellowship of one another in and out of the meeting places, we have unearthed one of the great secrets to a successful life. We feel loved. That need to have a sense of belonging is something found deep within all humans. To begin the journey through life with that feeling first being generated at home from our fathers and mothers is the ideal along these lines. The joys of the fellowship for us are enormous; we live now feeling fully connected to the world. We are no longer the square peg trying to fit into the round hole, we have found our place and are enjoying it. There is no doubt that all mankind could benefit from and enjoy immensely the practice of our program. However it is unlikely that a fellowship relying on such specific common ground could allow the non-alcoholic to reap the same benefits. Many A.A. groups have developed social events, teams and traditions of their own. This is a wonderful and productive part of the fellowship. To bring our daughters to the group’s holiday party or our sons to the group’s softball game is a great way to include them in our fellowship. Our children should become friends with one another as we have become friends. However, to wholly rely on this to fulfill our parenting obligations is a half measure. At times it would be more productive to make it completely about them. We can observe our children and ascertain what their interests are, who are the friends they have made on their own at school or other places. We can then take them to the park or a movie or a local ballgame as their own group, possibly befriending the parents of their friends along the way. A.A. is a bridge back to life. Although the maintenance of our spiritual condition and our relationship with our higher power are the primary concerns of our very being, our children don’t need to know the ranking of things in our hearts. Let them think, especially those of a tender age that they are more important to us than any other person or group. Just as it is the fellowship of A.A. we pass onto the alcoholic, it is the fellowship of the Spirit we pass onto our children. Again, actions speak louder than words. We have to strike that balance and spend time with our children, often on their terms. So it is with a newly opened mind and generous heart that we shall seek not to bring our children to appreciate the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous but rather to provide them with that deep feeling of belonging from within themselves as a result of being a comfortable and wanted part of our individual families. This is how we shall introduce them to the love of God. So just how are we to go about this? Recovered alcoholics are busy people. We have reclaimed our place in society. Most are working full time, are active in our communities, are attentive to the basic needs of our families and thus sometimes struggle to fit meetings into our schedules. Of course sobriety must maintain its priority. So as a building block in this effort to impart a sense of importance and belonging to our children we simply strive to understand the impact of our role as parents. After the ninth step we are promised intuition. Laying aside basic parenting skills for now, we begin by simply giving our attention to our children. A normal ‘how was your day, this is how mine went’ conversation is a good starting point. To just include them in the comings and goings of our concerns outside the household is to lend them a feeling of being a part of our lives. To share a meal absent the distraction of a newspaper, television or cell phone, to look our children in the eye with a sincere desire to hear what they have to say, no matter how trivial, will work wonders. Children have a knack for bringing up matters important in their young minds by starting a conversation with a trivial question or comment. Often this is to see if we really will pay attention, if we actually care about what goes through their minds. It is at these moments, seemingly unimportant, that we must bring to bear all the patience and tolerance we have earned through our work in the program. More has been revealed ‘shooting hoops’ with mom than on any professional’s couch. Not always will the point of interest come out but sometimes it is enough to just let them know that we are there for them when they are ready to communicate further. It is a process, a relationship that takes time and grows with each interaction no matter how brief. If we are well along the path of sobriety, our actions do already speak for us. But we will want to go further. If our children are emancipated once we are ‘on the A.A. beam’ the direction for us is clearly marked out in the ninth step. If our children are still at an impressionable age once we achieve sobriety, whether we are their primary care giver at home or have recurring visitation with them, our amends to them can be specific to their stage of life. Newborns and infants just need to be held in affectionate and loving arms. Toddlers need eye contact and smiles, lots of smiles. Pre-adolescents need boundaries. These are established through routine but not regimen. They just need to know that there are boundaries, that you set them and will enforce them and that they exist for their own good. No jumping off the garage roof, Junior. Adolescents and young teens need to be trusted somewhat and engaged in meaningful conversation. As a society we tend to underestimate children of this age –they are capable of understanding more than we think. Teenagers can be included in some of the decision-making that affects the day-to-day life of the family. They need to feel useful and needed, let them have some control over some aspects their own lives. There is much literature available on the subject and we encourage each other to read up on the stages particular to our individual children. Now what if they have begun their own destructive drinking career? It is ill advised to consider doing direct twelfth step work with our children. There are plenty of resources available for them, we need only inquire at the home group or our local General Services Office. Whatever we find we merely present but don’t push towards them, remembering the principle of ‘attraction not promotion.’ However, when the time does come that they are open to accepting help, even begrudgingly, we must act. When our child has begun to recognize a potential drinking problem within themselves, there is a very important point we must make. Hopefully we have already done a formal ninth step with them but now we must go further. We try to position the conversation to a critical point in time. As they prepare to enter a detox or go to their first meeting, we can pull them aside and do with them what amounts to a mixture of the ninth and twelfth step. But first we pray. Then, with all the honesty and humility He bestows upon us, we explain to them that we did much to make them that way. Whether the disease of alcoholism is borne of biology or environment is a debate in which we need not herein engage. We simply reiterate to our child our shortcomings as an alcoholic parent, even while sober. And tell them some of our story from when we hit bottom and describe the hope we felt when first we realized that maybe the program could work for us. And then we tell them of the hope we have for them. And leave it at that. And pray. And so on to discipline. We admit that as alcoholics we can be a demanding and sensitive lot. We like to crawl up into our highchairs, put on our crowns and bang our rattles as only ‘King Baby’ can. Nobody wants things their way more than us, except maybe children. It is best to be aware of these defects as we prepare to dispense discipline to our children. As a matter of course there will be times when they resist or disobey. If we are to do this right there can be only one child in the conversation. We must be particularly careful at these moments lest our self-centered fear take hold of our response. Pride and ego can rob us of an opportunity to teach as only actions can. As mentioned earlier with professional training, our subjects will ingest only a certain percent of what we say but will watch closely to see what we do when faced with adverse, critical events, no matter the scale. The broken shoelace tells all. What good would it do to teach the spiritual axiom found in Step Ten wherein we either admit our wrongs or forgive others theirs but not practice it when all eyes are on ‘mom or dad under pressure?’ In Step Twelve of the “Twelve and Twelve” we learned that true leadership depends upon able example, not vain displays of power. If the need to discipline our children is a planned event such as talking about their grades in school or their chores at home, it might be best to precede the interaction with one of our favorite prayers that we have found useful. In a snap moment when discipline must be meted out in the immediate sense, it will only take a moment to think through each line of the ‘Serenity Prayer’ before we begin to instruct. We remain mindful of the honesty we practiced in Step Eight, particularly that part where we admitted we have a tendency to try to dominate the family by either a rule of iron or a constant outpouring of minute directions. If we can remain faithful to that step at these moments then we can rely entirely on the promise of intuition that follows. Alcoholics Anonymous is unlike any other institution developed and run by man. It has a God-given integrity. Though it is far-reaching and well developed, the administration of the program has successfully avoided the usually unavoidable pitfalls that strike any organization influenced by human behavior. This is because we are led by one ultimate authority –a loving God as he expresses himself in our collective conscience. This program is God-given and God-driven. Our three legacies; Recovery, Unity and Service are what we pass onto the alcoholic. As parents, our legacy to our children need not involve alcoholism or A.A. Our children have a higher power of their own and God’s will shall unfold in their lives just as in ours. If, through the practice of these principles as parents, we can free our children from some of the emotional mix-ups we suffered as children, all the better. Whether they are alcoholic and come to join the program is not up to us. Many of us have said that we are grateful to be alcoholic. The enlightenment we enjoy from sobriety however can be achieved by our children without having to go through the same emotional wringer we did. This is our greatest hope for our children –that they may find God without having to suffer the pain we did. If we strive to be better parents we may break the chain of mental and emotional dysfunction brought on by alcoholism. A last word about striking a balance. In the final chapter of the Big Book, "A Vision for You," it is written that we cannot transmit something we haven’t got. Staying sober is our top priority. Anything we put before A.A. we will lose, it’s just that way with us. In Step Ten we recognized that the effects of our alcoholism are held in abeyance one day at a time, that we get a daily reprieve from the disease and that reprieve is contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. If we are to carry out our role as parent as has just been outlined or indeed, any of the principles of this program, we need to keep sobriety first. Prayer, meditation and attendance at meetings are the necessary foundations for us. We cannot abandon these in the name of anything or we will lose everything. And so remember, as it is written in Bill’s Story, though there is a deadly earnestness just underneath our levity, there is a vast amount of fun about it all. It is true that we absolutely insist on enjoying life.